Fuck. The. Dark. Knight. Rises.
I remember back in high school when The Dark Knight came out and the energy and excitement and build up of anticipation was so high that I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to focus on my work and actually graduate. I was counting down the days until its release from the moment the film was announced because I was a huge fan of the first installment, Batman Begins. I left BB with so much hope for the future of Batman. No longer would people associate this dark and brooding character with the trash that was Batman and Robin. At the end of TDK I knew that with Christopher Nolan and his team, we (the world) were finally going to get a complete and fulfilling trilogy that had not just one, not two, but THREE solid movies. I trusted Nolan’s vision for the world of Batman and blindly followed him into the third and final installment, The Dark Knight Rises…
WHICH IS A DUMB FUCKING TITLE FOR THIS FUCKING DUMB MOVIE! Really? There was the opportunity to have three unique titles to every movie in your franchise and you decided to copy and fucking paste your previous title?? Was it Goyer’s job to come up with that trash? “Oh, I know! We’ll reuse the widely successful title and add RISES to the end. THEN we’ll have no less than 16 characters use the word RISE in their dialogue. Oh my god then Batman could literally RISE from the underground prison! HOLY FUCK THEN JOSEPH BATMAN LEVIT COULD ALSO LITERALLY RISE FROM THE FUCKING WATER OF THE BATCAVE THEN FINISH WITH THE DARK KNIGHT RISE’S SO ITS CLEAR WHY WE CHOSE THE TITLE!!! HEATH’S NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN GET AN OSCAR FROM A BATMAN MOVIE!” Fuck you David S. Goyer.
Christian Bale can go fuck himself, too. You mouth breathing piece of shit. When we first heard your Batman voice all the way back in BB everyone was like “oh, that’s odd but you know what we can get down with this.” Fast forward a few years to the sequel and now every scene you’re in sounds like someone is running your vocal chords through a fucking wood-chipper but goddamn this movie is so good that we’ll just accept it. Surely, since this was a big complaint on an otherwise perfect film, Bale and co. will tone down the intensity of the bear growl in the final film. What’s that? Oh, right, it gets even worse as does the dialogue. “WHEREZZ THE CHRIGGER?!?” I don’t fucking know, Batman. Bane probably knows but you’re too busy playing detective to let him answer.
And how about that “epic conclusion” we were all promised? I don’t just mean the final battle with 3,000 extras pretending to hit each other while stunt Batman and stunt Bane play patty cake, either. This was supposed to be the final chapter in a truly fantastic story and all we were given is this very bland script with a plethora of plot holes strewn throughout. Like, really JGL? Tell me again how you figured out Bruce Wayne was Batman because he was an orphan and had a sad face one day! What a convincing tale that doesn’t make you sound like a lunatic in the slightest. The first time I saw that scene I thought “I must’ve just missed something. I’ll catch it again the next time around..” NOPE. There is absolutely nothing to justify this absurd assumption except for the world’s worst poker face from Bruce Wayne. “d’no I’m n-n-not Batman..” And for the love of Bob Kane why did we have to bring the League of Shadows back into this story? Bane was an awesome adversary who was worthy of his own storyline and means to justify the destruction of Batman and Gotham City but we pull the rug out from under him and make him just another lackey. I guess no matter how big and scary you are, the moment a fine woman with a sexy accent starts telling you to do shit you listen. (By the way, you guys remember when Marion Cotillard won the Oscar for Best Actress back in 2007? That apparently meant fuck all to her when filming her death scene for TDKR.)
The Dark Knight Rises is probably the worst superhero movie I’ve ever seen because it stars a superhero who is never fucking seen. Yet again we’re treated with a movie that Batman doesn’t appear in until almost an hour into the film but this time abruptly disappears again when his back breaks just enough to incapacitate him but not enough to merit an actual doctor’s visit. Surely the dirty prison man who is punching your vertebrae back into place is enough to completely heal you, Batman. I wouldn’t worry about being paralyzed for the rest of your life or anything. And all this would be fine if the supporting characters were interesting enough to carry a batman-less Batman film but they’re just a bland as the script. Gordon is chillin in bed, JGL is solving orphan mysteries, Catwoman is wondering why she’s even in the film and the citizens of Gotham are just like “fuck the police, amirite?” Ugh, this movie is so hard to swallow.
If you haven’t seen this movie, don’t. Save your money and go see the next installment for Batman and Superman and hope to Movie God that it’s somewhat better than this piece of shit. Or check out the two fantastic predecessors which are great choices no matter how many times you’ve seen them. It’s very rare that a man such as Christopher Nolan would have a bad movie under his belt but we can’t all be perfect. His next movie, Interstellar, releases soon and it looks to be a very promising redemption to the fuckery that is The Dark Knight Rises.
3 comments
It wasnt near as bad as Amazing Spider-man II
how can you call this movie shit? that’s an insult to shit.